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Archive for January, 2006

Ideas or Neuroses?

January 31st, 2006 No comments

Study of Bush’s psyche touches a nerve – The Guardian: more about Bush’s “Dry-Drunk” Syndrome discussed here before.

‘But what drives the psychologists? George Will, a Washington Post columnist who has long suffered from ingrained conservatism, noted, tartly: “The professors have ideas; the rest of us have emanations of our psychological needs and neuroses.” ‘

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Letting Go: The Icing On The Cake

January 30th, 2006 No comments

My friend Jon is a nice looking bloke – indeed he’s a nice bloke. Genuine and down to earth he is also intelligent, and knows it, but uneducated, and knows that too. He’s also a greedy pig.

I was in my bed for ten minutes having a rest, whilst wiling away the time contemplating the chocolate eclair he offered. They had been two boxes for the price of one, four eclairs for a quid. Eventually I gave in to my desire and got up.

In the lounge I found Jon lost in how to learn assembly language web sites at the computer and two empty eclair boxes on the table. He is a greedy pig.

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Time To Stop Running

January 27th, 2006 No comments

I’ve been running since forever. Running and running and running. Running away from things and running towards others. Running away from people and places only to run into others, of course.

I can’t stop, you see. It’s how I survived the abuse. Yet I know I have to stop, and in doing so that I will ‘remember’ the rest of what was done to me as a kid. It’s shit – knowing you have to go further into darkness before you can emerge into the light.

Yet emerging into the light, shaking off the last of the psychic scar-tissue wrought in the screams and supressed rage and sadness and hate of my childhood – these things I know I must do. I must do them for myself, but that is transitory. I must do them for others, which is a part of my path as a Buddhist. And, I must do them for I made a pact with the universe to do so. That was before I was a Buddhist but after I was an atheist. It’s the same as the Bhodhisattva vow.

Yet I can’t do it. I can’t stop. I have forgotten how to sit, how to meditate. I used to know how but I am scared to do it. I am scared to remember, to heal, to be healed. I am scared of the void that appears in my mind when I try to think in positive terms about the future. There is nothing there.

Except to find a partner and have kids and get enlightened. Which is a nice impossible dream that keeps me running …

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Enjoy Your Burger?

January 23rd, 2006 No comments

The food thrown out in New York’s garbage today will fill huge holes in the ground. If only our economic system worked. It could have fed the holes in the bellies of the thirty thousand children who will starve today. They are the roadkill of late stage capitalist economics. Enjoy your burger?

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Am I Repressing Memories? Was I Abused?

January 22nd, 2006 No comments

At many stages in the recovery process for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse there is great doubt. This is perhaps particularly hieghtened for those who are not certain of the memories or have no certain memories at all. It is useful to recognise that perfectly normal and healthy repsonses to trauma are at work.

The human animal holds memories at bay from the conscious mind when the original events could not be processed and made sense of. In cases of extreme trauma such as sexual abuse memories and whole periods of time can be lost from conscious access as a protection mechanism.

When you start to approach a point of development where you can deal with this stuff it often comes back. For some people this is in big chunks and for others it is speck by speck. Often before memories start resurfacing to allow the trauma to be processed there is a period where the survivor starts asking “was I abused?” or “am I repressing memories”?” or somesuch. The chances are, if you are asking yourself these or similar questions, that the answer is yes.

The mechanisms of protection which have held painful truths at bay are starting to let them through. You will experience great doubt about many things at this stage including your own sanity. It is important to remember that forgetting and remembering are sane mechanisms at work. You won’t remember what you can not deal with.

At first don’t believe everything that comes into your mind. There is no need to solidify and fix things. Let the memories come in their own time as they will do so when you can cope with them. If you try to rush or force things this often backfires. You can end up having partial or false recollection which lets you know something happened but shields you from the full truth. Relax and let time be your friend and ally on this: as you grow stronger and more able to deal with your truth, you will remember it.

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