Lies are woven into my fabric, they are the shifting ground upon which the abused child builds the shaky house of self. The abuser uses lies to create the myth of his omnipotence over the child and their very life, thus creating the double binds which ensure the silence and brokenness of the victim.
The black and white thinking concommitant with a history of abuse and the subject of lies and truth are interwoven in the psyche of the victim through this double bind and the edge of rage which lies at one side of it and the chasm of fear that lies at the other.
The fear engendered in me by people lying to me is more related to the original fear of my abusers than related to the fear of what the lies can do to me. It’s simple: you lie: there is no trust: there is no trust you are not safe.
To me lies and truth matter more than anything. It is only when i am relating to persons with whom I do not fear a breech of honesty is likely that i can unfold and become myself in a relaxed way. As soon as the walls go up in fear of being lied to I will not relax again.
As a victim it is natural to create the situations where these feelings will arise and then fall back in a manageable way. This expression of the latent instincts and its repression are a major factor in the internal walls of denial that allow the whole charade to sustain.
To get the feeling one is being lied to and to challenge it head on in an appropriate way is a hard learning curve for the victim. It involves scaling the wall of fear created by the abuse and related threats or violence used to ensure silence is not broken.
This wall of fear, and fear that one will explode with rage, are however really quite empty when looked at closely. They are traces of the past, lines in chalk marking a place you were in once. As such they can be overcome with patience and compassion. Then one starts to find oneself in a place where one can ask the question “are you lying to me?” without it being the end of the world, whatever the answer.
Oh, and for those who know me, now you understand why I don’t do lies.
This morning I telephoned “Operation Saphire” – the Metropolitan Police’s unit dealing with sexual assault and childhood sexual abuse. I explained the situation I am caught in and, having discussed the options open to me, the officer gave me some surprising advice.
She explained that medical negligence is always hard to prove and that criminal intent is even harder still to prove. She advised me that I should either travel to a different part of the country and use an assumed name or travel abroad in search of medical assistance.
The last thing, frankly, that I expected from the police was such incredibly practical thinking. that my mother and all of my friends are advising me to leave the country was surprising enough. That the Met agree is a shock beyond belief.