According to BBC Breakfast a survey of teenagers from around the world has shown that they consider terrorism to be the biggest problem facing the world. Surprisingly this came out ahead of environmental problems and global warming - something children in the western world have been learning about now for years in school.

Terrorism has probably killed a conservative total of perhaps 50,000 people worldwide in the last ten years. Approximately one in three of the teenagers surveyed will have been subjected to invasive sexual abuse and only about one in three of the victims will even be remotely aware of the fact. the ones who are not aware will go on to lead lives out of control: they will make up 90% or so of the next generation of prostitutes, drug addicts and imprisoned criminals. Between them they will extrapolate their own unmanageable lives to those around them through crime, drug use and violence.

In the third world the problem is even worse: 250,000 or so children in South Africa alone will be violently raped next year. This does not include those who will be subjected to quiet ongoing abuse in their own homes. The number is a wild guess, of course, but it is the best guess of those in the field and in the know: and in South Africa they know more about this subject than almost anyone else.

Replicate this throughout the third world and add in the victims of fatherly abuse  and rape from the middle east and other Muslim countries and you start to see the picture. As I have written before you do not become angry enough to kill yourself and several thousand other humans by flying a plane into a building unless you have endured a childhood replete with pain and injustice: you just don’t grow up with that potential unless control of your own body is violently forced from you at the hands of an adult.

In short childhood sexual abuse will in the coming year produce one hundred times as many victims next year as terrorism has in the past ten, it will be responsible for most of the social ills of western society, and it produces adults capable of rage so great they become terrorists. The kids got it wrong. They, like government and almost everyone else, are pointing their fingers at the wrong kind of terror: One that is much more socially acceptable and supports the unsupportable theory that we are civilised.

I’ve been on the run - or more to the point freedomforall.net has been movong home for the second time in as many weeks. The first move was simple, the second less so, and is still ongoing. If things don’t work as you expect, I am sorry. It will all come good in the end.

Having been attacked by the British Medical Establishment in their attempt to get freedomforall.net “off the air”, I was somewhat bolstered by the support of my webhost. He linked to my site, even after I had been forced to move overseas for my hosting. He said his dad worked in medicine all his life and said doctors were a “totally closed shop” and that “whether there has been negligence or not” the doctors in my case seemed to be acting to protect themselves first and foremost.

I have done much of the work now of moving to a new host and away from Blogger as my publishing engine - something I had intended for a while in any case but which I brought forward as that was the next obvious point of attack for the self-serving hypocrits of medicine. When they took the Hyppocratic oath these people should have first said “I reserve the right to ignore everything I am about to say if it becomes neccessary to put my own selfish interests first - or those of a colleague”.

There are a few tasks left to sort out. Some old posts have yet to be moved, I need to redirect all my old archive pages to the new ones by hand coding the HTML and I need to update keywords on the new system. I also intend to hand import all the comments currently residing on the Haloscan system from the old site.

Yet first I am going to take a rest. I will do some sittiing meditation and take the advice of Shantideva in remaining like a log, come what may in the guise of impulses or desires to “get this right”. My own perfectionism - a common result of surviving an abusive childhood - is just another way of running. I need to let go.

From a speech by Rajan Madhok to the Royal College of Physicians, delivered September 2003, titled “Doctors in the new millennium: Hippocrates or Hypocrites?”:

“So, has modern medicine once hailed as the greatest benefit to mankind become a
dangerous activity? Have doctors turned bad? Become uncaring, only interested in
money, professionals? Closed ranks and started covering for each other? Forgotten
their vocation, become hypocrites pretending to be true to the Hippocratic Oath?

There is no denying that there are grains of truth in all these statements. Some
doctors have continued to use outmoded practices, have not been self-critical and
made repeated mistakes. Some have been arrogant and not respected patients’
wishes or indeed the law. Some have done things for money. There have been
cover-ups too.”

If you are asking yourself this question the answer is most probably yes - whatever the “False memory Syndrome” campaigners (i.e paedophile excusers) may say. Don’t worry too much - it doesn’t say anything about you really, except help you understand why you have never quite felt “right” about the world. Things only get better when you start to believe those little questioning voices in your head and follow the path they wish you to follow. Read this.

Life throws the odd spanner at you from time to time. How you cope with these things is both a part of who you are and an opportunity to grow as a person. An episode of Scrubs, the TV show, has one of the Doctors to learn to stop blaming others and take responsibility for herself.

My life has thrown me plenty of spanners. Being raped regularly for most of your childhood sends you places no person should be made to go, physically and psychologically. At some point, before I learned to walk I was injured severely. Through anal or oral rape I was damaged in such a way that I could not take the weight of my body on the inside of my right hip.

Many muscles in my body, my breathing and autonomic other and neurology were disrupted from normal function. My spine was always partially twisted and forward bent behind the diaphragm to allow me to get around without using the inside of my right hip and without enervating and therefore feeling sensation from, the muscles of my rectum and pelvic floor.

My diaphragm is enervated in a partially paradoxical fashion which allows it to compensate for (and contribute to) the distortion of my spine, the lack of muscular integrity in the pelvis and the way I learned to carry my weight so I did not suffer pain.

Over the last two years I have decayed and deteriorated, left to rot. I must be labelled hypochondriac by the system. Perhaps the bad and damaging former diagnosis of “personality disorder”, though withdrawn and appologised for, has not unpercolated through the system, so to speak. And at least one of the doctors I have seen has been actively ensuring my injuries are not investigated. I suspect there is also some misinformation from medical paedophiles infused in modern medicine to help keep society in denial.

So I have had to face my own mortality. And frankly, doing so is half scaring me to death. And, nearly finishing the job the doctors charged with my physical healthcare have made such an effective start on. They utterly failing in their duty of care- for whatever reason. However, I have come to realise there is nothing worse than what I went through as a child.

I live my days with the most dignity I can muster. I am polite to doctors, though obviously upset by what I have been through. I enjoy the company of good friends and try to let those moments be complete “nows”, not partitioned by my mind focussing on my fight to survive. But when you stopped letting go and held tight to survive before you had differentiated yourself from the world around you: well the world is a hard place.

Doctors do not scare me any more. My own death has been a meditation for the last month or so, facing what I may have to face, in the hope that if the worst happens too early for my hopes, wishes and potential, I will die with dignity. Yet I will not die. I have great faith in the basic humanity of everyone and in my ability to survive. And despite everything I have a deep seated respect for and confidence in British Medicine, despite all it’s very obvious flaws.

I may have caused distress to some doctors through this website and some extrapolated hypothesis to account for the attitude offered me by medicine. I am going to offer an appology to some specific persons and edit and remove some of the articles on this site. I did not intend distress, merely to focus attention on the failures and thereby spur people on to correct acton now. And bring attention to the fact that there are some genuine bad apples around.

Every doctor to whom I feel obliged to appologise will, if they look inside of themselves, realise they owe me an appology too. Things were done wrong, badly, lazily and sometimes maliciously. I do not expect those who have acted negligently to be perfect and I accept that mistakes happen. Those who have acted maliciously will not appologise in any circumstance I suspect.

Parveen Kumar did not try and “murder” me by default - through actively encouraging deliberate failures elsewhere as I may earlier have seemed to impy - I’ve realised that now. She is a good person from what I can see. I doubt she heard of my name in between last year and perhaps very recently. I owe her an appology, as she does me, for sure. I will write her one and I am a man of my word. If I get one from her I also won’t submit to the GMC a complaint but will accept this has probably been a valuable learning experience for us both.

I used to help manage the BMA Pension Fund and General Fund when I was a broker with Northcote and company. The stockmarket still support me with a regular weekly allowance and are very generous in assisting me cope with the damage done to me by the British medical system. I am a good person and so are most doctors good people. I know the people I used to deal with at the BMA were invariably very pleasant. Ordinary people trying to do their best.

It looks like someone is deliberately stopping my medical investigation from reaching fruition however. I have some written proof of that and much other evidence and experience that is hard to understand in any other way. Perhaps Prof Kumar’s colleagues at the BMA and staff at the MDU would benefit from looking into that rather than trying to silence me. After all one rotten apple spoils the barrell, etc. And frankly British Medicine has an excess of bad ‘uns. We might want to ask ourselves why, but I will not. Speculation and extrapolation has caused distress. Not as much as the negligence, consequent injury and humiliation I have suffered has caused me - but nevertheless real.

Dissociative Identity Disorder and other diorders on the dissociative scale are commonly misdiagnosed and are not even believed in by some hard line psychiatrists. I have heard suggested that most persons suffering dissociative disorders spend an average of fourteen years interacting with mental health services before reaching a correct diagnosis- if at all.

In my estimation, probably a majority of the clients of mental health services, whatever name or label their “problem” has been awarded, are suffering a problematic level of dissociation. Usually this is as a direct result of learned dissociation through repression of memories of sexual abuse in Childhood.

Schizophrenia would seem to be dissociative identity order left to fester to the point where other identities are screaming for attention and there is no one centre of self strong enough to contain the others and meet their needs. Personality disorders are the same on a less obvious scale, Psychosis is when the mind needs madness to continue the dissociation.

If this is true we would actually be a lot better off if we stopped medicating and treating “psychiatrically” the majority of mental health users. If there was a well trained body of persons skilled at dealing with dissociative clients and funding for them to work we would, as a community, suffer less problems all round.

Quite how prevalent are these disorders? No one really knows. However, labelling someone as mentally ill is much easier for society to deal with than facing up to the barbarity of the way we live and dealing with that. So it is a good bet that around 40% of the population suffer.

Trying to get the British Medical establishment to deal with the reality that longstanding childhood sexual abuse (CSA) causes physical injuries has been an uphill battle. I am not sure why. I have ascribed this in the past to the denial that is rife in British society today. These articles are from medical and alternative sources that support my claim. Of course, like almost everything else on the subject, they are not from Britain:

The Limping Child is a scholarly medical article about what causes a child to limp. Child abuse is listed as one of the frequent causes of trauma based limping.
Paul Linden writes on bodywork with Sexual Child Abuse survivors focussing on physical patterns including those related to dissociation and re-learning control of the body.

I have to admit I don’t want to think my experience and the ensueing lack of effective medical analysis are down to any form of deliberate act, merely a lack of experience and recognition. Indeed I found Professor Parveen Kumar was an affable sort, aside from my specific complaint that she failed to properly investigate problems in which she was not a specialist.

She apparantly loves skiing, as do I, though these days on a mountain you’d find me on a snowboard. Having done about 70 weeks skiing and 60 weeks Boarding I trust she’d understand my frustration and search for an explanation of the continued prevailing failure to investigate and deal constructively with my problems from all quarters except perhaps a rare few.

In his letter to the refering physician, dictated 13th October, typed 23rd October and containing facts unknown until 15th October (referring to my official complaint to the hospital), Dr Polkey has backtracked a little from his assertion that it was scientifically sound to take the highest of three values from the phrenic nerve test.

Instead of using the value of 6.1 and saying my diaphragm is normal, he is now using the value of 4.1, achieved on the second mengele-like induced enervation of the diaphragm, and saying my diaphragm “could function normally under certain circumstances”. He failed to elucidate how it is functioning and perhaps why. Oh - of course - that’s because he wasn’t interested, after all he’s only one of the “leading respiritory muscle specialists” in the universe or something like that.

As it was a test of diaphragm function at rest 3.1, the first value achieved after ten minutes of rest, would be most appropriate on a scientific basis. And my diaphragm does not function normally because the whole back right side of my body has died, and the diaphragm is desperately struggling to keep me alive and standing.

I wonder if the glare of publicity and my complaint has made Polkey return to his head a little. In August he described these tests as “absolutely the first” I should do, and that anaesthesia could be “life threatening” because of my diaphragm function - something he changed to “elective tests” when he described them in hospital. In August he saw no point taking a view on my “psychology” but that I certainly had not been properly investigated. Now he has stifled one avenue of investigation that was proving fruitful.

Oh and the funniest thing of all is that if you search Google for Dr Mike Polkey, this site - freedomforall.net - comes out ahead of his CV. And that really has got me laffin … I told him I was a scientist. I’m also adept in the arts, including the art of search engine ranking maximization.

It is hard to fathom the mind of a man who can use his own child to obtain sexual pleasure. Not only is it hard, but let’s face it, who would want to and why? It is not a pleasant experience for the human mind to accept that such things happen and to delve deeply into it challenges anyone’s ability to comprehend the other.

A mind divided amongst itself, at war with itself, must produce such acts. It can not be possible that a mind intact and unbroken could be so cruel and so selfish in acting to obtain personal power and pleasure at the cost of another through abhorrent acts of sexual invasion. The depraved nature of the acts belies a mind so corrupted yet - even this mind has in it’s centre, in it’s genesis, a place of purity.

The events and experiences that make possible a mind of such brokenness can not even be guessed at by a person who has grown up whole. Yet those who have most trouble understanding, and experience the greatest reactions to these acts of brokenness, are often themselves also broken people - perhaps saved from becoming the same only by chance experience or by measure and degree of harm, pain, suffering and terror.

The walls of silence are all around us. In the minds of victims and abusers. In the press. In Government. In our religion, our schools, our philosohies, psychology and politics. We pretend that things are not as they are on a grand scale. We hide from the truth, persecute victims and promote misleading myths. Some 25% - 40% of adults were sexually molested at some point in time and 90% of those with unmanageable lives were victims, probably of invasive sexual acts when children.

Worldwide millions of pounds and dollars are spent on stranger danger campaigns whilst father, brothers, uncles and family friends use and abuse young bodies and minds for their own gratification. The next largest group of perpetrators are schoolteachers, scoutmasters and priests. All of these are known to the victims by and large and the stranger danger campaigns actually confuse these children into accepting as not wrong the harm forced into and upon them.

We pride ourselves on being civilised yet we persecute those who have been victimised as children into having no effective control over their “own” lives. We imprison, label and condemn those who, in continually running from the reality of their childhoods, lead lives of broken impulse and reactivity. These lives, so destructive to themselves and others lead them to prostitution, to prison and to drug abuse. And we label and condemn and imprison them.

In a world without childhood sexual abuse we might need ten per cent of the government, armed forces, police forces and invasive western medical practitioners that we have now, so pervasive and overwhelming are the effects of abuse. If people were in charge of their lives they would not need governing, policing and being glued together. If you base the test of civilisation on one simple question “Do they screw their children?”, we fail. We are barbarians.

Today I was subjected to yet another sad form of denial in the NHS. A test of my diaphragm whereby the phrenic nerve was stimulated, showing scientificly the rate of enervation, and therfore not subject to my psychology was labelled as normal. The results should have shown greater than 7 on the scale for the right side and greater than 8 for the left side. The left was normal reading 8.1 the right averaged 3.5, only 50% of the expected figure.

The chart was on the wall, the numbers were before my eyes, and still the clinician wished to purvey this as a normal result.

I carry injuries sustained in infant rape and have been disabled by the NHS. I have been subjected to medical mistreatment and negligence by two prominent physicians, Dr Joseph Cowan, of the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital Stanmore and Professor Parveen Kumar of the Royal London Hospital Whitechapel.

When are doctors going to stop trying to defend the indefensible actions of their colleagues and start doing the right thing? When is the denial of physical injury sustained in childhood and infant rape going to end? I know I am right in every word I write here and so do the doctors concerned. If they think otherwise I challenge them to pursue me through the courts. The only reason I am not pursuing them yet is that I am focussed on getting the right treatment for my injuries. I will pursue them later and with a vigour which will make them and any colleagues who fail from this moment forward to do the right thing shake in their boots and regret their indefensible actions.

Swift appologies and appropriate healthcare can solve this. Nothing else will. You have dug yourselves into a hole you will regret digging unless you do the right thing now. Be warned I am no fool.