Lies are woven into my fabric, they are the shifting ground upon which the abused child builds the shaky house of self. The abuser uses lies to create the myth of his omnipotence over the child and their very life, thus creating the double binds which ensure the silence and brokenness of the victim.
The black and white thinking concommitant with a history of abuse and the subject of lies and truth are interwoven in the psyche of the victim through this double bind and the edge of rage which lies at one side of it and the chasm of fear that lies at the other.
The fear engendered in me by people lying to me is more related to the original fear of my abusers than related to the fear of what the lies can do to me. It’s simple: you lie: there is no trust: there is no trust you are not safe.
To me lies and truth matter more than anything. It is only when i am relating to persons with whom I do not fear a breech of honesty is likely that i can unfold and become myself in a relaxed way. As soon as the walls go up in fear of being lied to I will not relax again.
As a victim it is natural to create the situations where these feelings will arise and then fall back in a manageable way. This expression of the latent instincts and its repression are a major factor in the internal walls of denial that allow the whole charade to sustain.
To get the feeling one is being lied to and to challenge it head on in an appropriate way is a hard learning curve for the victim. It involves scaling the wall of fear created by the abuse and related threats or violence used to ensure silence is not broken.
This wall of fear, and fear that one will explode with rage, are however really quite empty when looked at closely. They are traces of the past, lines in chalk marking a place you were in once. As such they can be overcome with patience and compassion. Then one starts to find oneself in a place where one can ask the question “are you lying to me?” without it being the end of the world, whatever the answer.
Oh, and for those who know me, now you understand why I don’t do lies.
It must be hard for the parents of the babies who lose their lives each day in the UK. We live in a modern developed country with an advanced healthcare system. People do not expect to lose a child and their grieving is often complicated by a lack of explanation as to what happened to their child.
I do not want to take away from the painful personal reality of the situation. However, sometimes, unfortunately, people end up turning such hard to swallow facts into a defence that stops them from grieving. Then they might do something like start “Baby Loss Awareness Week”.
Each day in the UK seventeen babies die before term or soon after birth. Each day in the poorer parts of the world 30,000 babies and children under the age of five die because they do not have simple medication or food.
I think fixing the economics that lead to this has a higher priority in the grand scheme of things than trying to reduce further the causes of loss of life in the rich world. Lives all have the same value: one persons feeling,hopes, dreams and fears are realised, or unrealised.
I tried falling in love again recently. The highs of endorphins created by the positive feelings and the tales one tells oneself of “what will be” have worn off now. Indeed the last two weeks has seen me go from full of expectation and elated to dashed and deeply dispirited. My love turned out to be not what she said she was.
It all ended before it began. We chatted on the net and spoke on the phone and, it seems, will never meet in person. Yet I feel as though my heart has been torn out. Convinced this person had in her what I would seek in a life partner, my mind turned it into a fact of sorts. When it became clear things were not OK I was left desperately clinging to any raft.
I’m not clinging anymore. I’m riding the waves a little better. The shock to my system has worn off and my system is recovering. I am meditating again and others are benefitting from that as well as myself. I feel I shall go back to my original plan which, although this may sound crazy, is as simple as “do not ask, do not promise, do not expect”.
Sitting is nice.
Economic monotheism and the war on terrorism go hand in hand. They are the sacred cows of the new world order. Five years on it is time to lay to rest the victims of the horrific attacks in America and the war their deaths was used to justify.
We must do this if we are to live in a peaceful world where 73% of scientists do not work in weapons research, where war is not the number one worldwide industry, where starving children to death does not make economic sense and where innocents at work are not taken from this earth by such unforgiveable acts of violence.