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Wanting

Yesterday

This morning there was the most beautiful sunrise. The sky was full of
low clouds that presaged a snow storm which came later. At first there
was a hint of red touching the bottom of the clouds over near the
horizon in the only part of the sky that was cloudless. Then as the
sun drew nearer to raising itself into sight the sky and cloud filled
with bands of every shade from pink to red and then this huge blood
red fireball appeared so slowly and gracefully. I lay there and
watched it all from my bed and was filled with it and the sun rising
in my heart from so much silence and time alone. I cried and cried,
tears of sweet joy pain, warriors tears. And when the tears stopped I
wondered what it would be like to lay in my bed with you there, and
saw you lying next to me with you head on a pillow and the sun rising
inside us both and outside in the sky. And I wanted it.

Today

This kind of wanting is such a beautiful feeling, full of potential for satisfaction and suffering. Is it really essential to let go of all such forms of relating to attain to the awakening the Buddha taught? Or can the attachments be seen through and awoken from whilst maintaining oneself in such pursuits. Are they essentially samsaric? Or do they have the potential to be awakening influences? I said a long time ago my ambitions in this life are few: to attain awakening for the benefit of all sentient beings, to find and be a good partner and parent. Is it too much?

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