You must learn to crawl before you learn to walk. It’s just the way things are, the way our bodies work. Much in life is like this. There are many conditions that come together and all of a sudden something new appears.

Some spiritual teachers have not done their homework deeply enough for the commitments they take on. This can lead to divisions within communities. I would never wish to be one of these persons, were I ever to be fortunate enough to attain a level of enlightenment that would allow me to ’shine the torch’ for others.

This is why several years ago, when asked when I would start teaching, I refused to say. I knew I knew something but I didn’t know what. And I knew I didn’t know enough. I feel I face a similar situtation in my life at the moment. There is this sinking feeling.

I have just finished, almost, decorating my flat (with the help of friends for I am incapacitated). This has been a long ride as I moved in two years ago and it was a tip. Blown Vinyl, overpainted red and cream lined the living room, the bedroom was mauve and green, the bathroom pink artex and the kitchen yellow. The floor, throughout, was concrete.

Now the living room is saffron at the seating end which contains the desk from whence I write, a hammock, a rocking chair, a futon and a medium size palm. It is terracotta at the dining end where I have built a bar and have barstools and some shelves and joining the colours and areas are two long strips of deep crimson red, the colour of love, padma. One strip runs under the windows, 22 feet long and the other is 2 feet wide and eight feet high on a short return wall.

The bedroom is blue and yellow but I am going to overpaint the blue lower wall with white. The kitchen is the same terracotta as the dining area and the hall is white. Everywhere is wood laminate floor, except kitchen and bathroom which have fake wood vinyl floor.

The bathroom is a masterpiece, and a tribute to my passion and, I fear, my downfall. Having removed half the artex I gave up. That took a month and was chip by chip. I covered everything with four layers of lining paper for a nice finish glueing the first on with pure PVA. Then the upper part I papered with maps from all the places I have travelled and lived. Amsterdam, France, Warsaw, Koln, Samos, Santorini, Dorset, Norfolk and others. The lower part is currently purple but I think that will go white now too. Everything in there is varnished. Including the raw copper pipe that holds up the shower curtain and the one that leads to the 81/2 inch shower rose.

And that sinking feeling? I want to get in my Landrover and drive to India. Just when I finished laying the f*cking floor and painting the bl**dy walls. My flat looks a million dollars and I want to piss off and travel.